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| I ran into a man that I have great respect and admiration for last night and had a long and meaningful conversation with him. I don`t know why, but every time I speak with him, I feel so insignificant, like I`m unworthy of just being in his presence. Ever since I was a child and as long as I could remember, I wanted to be a man of greatness. I wanted power, I wanted fame, I wanted to be admired, I wanted to be envied. I just wanted to be a man of significance. I wanted to be someone that I could present to my birth mother and have her regret for leaving me when I was a child. I realized, talking to that great man, that I was basically a piece of shit compared to him. I`m grown up now, but I still have a child`s mentality and mind set. I`m still wanting when I should be doing things to make my wants, needs, and desires a reality. I feel like I`m already failing life. How can I be the man that I want to be when there are so many others my age who are of greater importance and significance than me? I`m already behind so many people right now and I feel like I`m struggling just to catch up. I`m halfway through my first year as a college student and what do I have to show for it? Nothing, compared to men who are of significance right now. Every time I speak to this guy, all these thoughts surge through my head and I grow scared seeing how little time I have in college to accomplish what I want.
After speaking with him, even with all these thoughts and emotions running through my buddy, I decided to suppress everything and go out partying. I could`ve done more productive things last night. I could`ve researched things that could`ve benefited me in some way. I could`ve gotten some reading done for my classes that should be of a top priority to me as a college student. I should`ve been studying for my calculus midterm that was today because math is a weak subject for me. I could`ve even just gone to bed early to give myself more time during the day for other things. Instead, I decided to get cross faded and not give a shit. I remember walking in the dimly lit apartment and taking off my jacket, ready to smoke and drink everything away. I remember nothing except the images of people distorting and growing hazy, the rhythmic beat of mainstream hip-hop fading in and out in quick bursts and also my body succumbing to the toxins. I didn`t pass out, I didn`t black out, my mind just left my vessel until I woke up at 7AM on some random couch about a mile from the place of the festivities. I get up and walk back to my apartment feeling giddy and accomplished about doing something so fucking stupid. I need to fucking grow up and get my fucking priorities straight. What pisses me off even more is that even though I`m bitching and telling myself that I cannot keep fucking around like this, I`m still going to end up doing it. I fucking hate myself. | | |
| I really feel like heading back to the bay right now, I don`t know why, I just have this strong urge to do so. Anyway, 4 weeks down, 6 more to go. I`m pretty much pumped about getting this quarter over with! Had most of my midterms last week, I think I still have one more to go this week for Bio 45. I`m hoping I did at least decent on my midterms. Got a 91 for my Poli Sci midterm which is pretty awesome seeing how I studied the least for it. I`m thinking I should stick with Poli Sci as either a major or a minor but a lot of the people I talked to told me that there really isn`t a point in doing so if I plan on entering the business field. Ahh well, I`ll see what`s up in the future. My Calc midterm was a bitch though. I studied so long for it, spent hella hours going through the book chapter by chapter but the midterm had like 4 out of 5 questions on the things I thought would be useless to go over. Damn! I`m still hoping I can pull a C on it though because my professor said he`d curve it seeing how a lot of my other classmates got low marks too. As for Econ, I think I did really well seeing how I pretty much knew all the material but the fact that I couldn`t finish could hurt me. Pulling a B would make me happy. I`m not so concerned about the class because our professor offered us this extra credit that could increase our overall grade by as much as 5%. That`s insane for a college course I`m thinking. Timed writing for 39c was a breeze seeing how my teacher is so chill to the point where he wouldn`t come to class due to a hangover from a night out in Mexico. I want to go to Mexico! Where the fun illegal things here are legal! Ahaha.
I am now a working man. Got the job at the Bren, just need to get some of the paper work and stuff done before I actually start. Job pays $9.25 which is a lot more than I expected for the kind of work I`d be doing. For those who don`t know, I cut my hair after about 8 months of growing it out. Figured I should revamp my appearance to help me compete in the vicious world of internships. Also, I didn`t like how my hair always stabbed in the eye if not attended too. I`m no longer the emo kid to some, the puppy to others, and the oh so classic, mop to the few, which is good I think because yeah, I`m too awesome to be dubbed so randomly! Ahaha kidding. So yeah, had a chill weekend to help me unwind after midterms. Went to a banging party on Friday, the girl to guy ratio was actually not lame and everyone was so friendly, very friendly. Threw up a little for the first time in a while. It wasn`t the alcohol I`m sure, it was the freaking Jumbo Jack I had to scarf down in a minute because I forgot why. That night when I finally got home, I went retarded on my roommate and ended up spilling water on his $2300 laptop. He then did the one thing you`re not supposed to do in the presence of water, which is to try turning it on. He shorted the mother board supposedly and I`m going to have to pay for the repairs which will probably cost me a minimum of like $400. Lame. Saturday, had a couple of friends and their friends come over where we… researched. Yes, research. Ahaha, so yeah, that was pretty much my weekend and now I have a whole load of reading to do for my Bio midterm which is coming up very shortly. It`s all good though seeing how my workload this weekend is lower than the previous ones this quarter. My ownage for the win! | | |
| Just got back from the Gateway Study Center where I studied for my Math 2B midterm for more or less 7 hours. I don`t seem to understand how everything I went over was pretty much foreign material to me even though I`ve been going to all my lectures and discussions and taking loads of notes. I guess math was and never will be my subject seeing how I took Algebra I twice, Algebra II twice, and also got a 1 on my AP Calculus test in high school. Funny how I`m getting into Business Economics even though math is such a vital aspect of the major. Ahh, oh well, my stubbornness and persistence will guide be through. Nothing really interesting has happened the past couple of weeks. Just school and sleep, the usual routine. I had a pretty noteworthy weekend though. Engaged in some illicit fun on Friday with a cool group of people. Took away some of the violent urges to drop my school boy routine and let loose. I know I won`t give up though, seeing I`m such a champion. My favorite girl buddy from San Diego came up this weekend too. Only got to see her for an hour or two but it was still memorable, just catching up about pretty much nothing. I had a job interview on Friday for the Bren Events Center. The lady who interviewed me said she`d contact me by Sunday about the job but I guess she didn`t want a long haired hippie working for her. Speaking of which, I`ll be cutting my emo hair tomorrow, well, I guess now today. Figured I should go for a more conservative look especially if I`m going to be serious about getting a job or internship. Maybe not really a job anymore because I don`t really need it anymore seeing how I don`t have to save up for a car anymore. My dad just decided to get me a car because his friend was selling it for a good price. I`m now a proud owner of a black 1999 Honda Accord sedan. It`s a good thing in my opinion, seeing how I don`t have to drop 3 grand for a down payment on a new car that`ll depreciate like hell once it leaves the lot. So just have to wait for my dad to bring it down for me soon. Also need to figure out the parking situation since two of my roommates have cars and it`s a two car limit per apartment in Berkeley Court. It`s almost 5 AM, I should head for bed and get a good 7 hours in before classes. Later days. | | |
| It`s a Saturday night and I am home reading Nickel and Dimed and going over my notes for Poli Sci. I must say, I`m quite proud of myself in keeping up my resolutions so far. Going to class everyday and making sure I don`t fall asleep, and actually taking notes and listening to the professor! Such a champion of academics I am. First week went by pretty smoothly, all my classes seem easy and the professors aren`t that bad. Just need to keep up my studious train of thought for 9 more weeks and I`ll be happy. I checked out a couple of fraternities last week and I was really interested in rushing. Went to some Sigma Chi and Beta Theta Pi events and maybe it`s the people, but they both seem really appealing and stuff. Talked to a lot of the brothers and they said that stacking 20 units and possible pledgeship for a fraternity would run me into the ground. Some recommended either dropping a class or two or rushing next quarter with a lighter load. All good though because I don`t even have the GPA to go Greek (2.5 minimum) which is pretty pathetic on my part. Ahh well, next quarter, maybe. I should check out some of the other fraternities too, maybe Pi Kappa Alpha. In the end though, I don`t think I would`ve rushed and pledged because drinking alcohol on odd days would be inevitable and I wouldn`t want to do that! Friday is my party day. Funny story. Thursday night, after CA, me and some others decided to engage in some illicit fun. At first I was refusing to do so because it was Thursday but then one of them came up with the notion that once the clock hit 12, it was officially Friday. Awesome sauce. Ahaha. I felt a little bit bad though so Friday night, when my roommate had a kickback at our place; I opted out of drinking, but rather reading. So yeah, anyway, I`m still looking to apply to some on campus jobs. I should try looking harder, I keep telling myself I want a job, but I never follow through. My head is starting to hurt because of all the shouting on my Vent. I miss my friends back home all of a sudden, and also my family, and also my nice warm heater. I`m freezing my ass off right now and it blows. I really want to turn on my heater but my roommates don`t want to pay for the gas bill. That`s understandable I guess, we`re all poor college students after all. I made kim chi jjigae for the first time today! Tasted pretty decent, I`m a pretty good cook I must admit. I`m a man of significance my roommate tells me and with that, I`m off! | | |
| Winter quarter has begun which means it`s time for me to get into study mode and put my new years resolution (which are just actually Winter quarter resolutions) into effect. My first resolution is to try to get a 3.77 for the quarter. Really messed up last quarter so I decided to emphasize my time and attention towards my education. Taking max units which pretty much makes all my days revolve around my classes. Second is to, lets say, limit my social outings. I think I had too much free time last quarter, which contributed to my falling into an unhealthy routine that also affected the academic aspect of my college life. My third resolution for this quarter is to bluntly, stop being a man whore. It may sound weird, but to me, it makes complete sense. Ahaha. So yeah, those are my goals for this quarter, just need to focus for two and a half months and I`ll be fine, hopefully. And of course, there are the typical year long resolutions that people always make (including myself) and never follow through with. This year I`ll try to follow through as best as I can. Lose the extra baggage on me, especially my sexy love handles. It`s really not that hard or time consuming, I just need to put aside some time to head to the ARC and work out. Also want to get more muscular, my arms are too skinny. Yep. Also planning on getting a job soon. I really want a job at the UCI bookstore, but they don`t start hiring until the seventh week, so I`ll be looking to work at the Bren Events Center to keep myself occupied until then. Getting a car in a month or two, looking to buy the 2007 Honda Element SC. My dad didn`t feel like just straight out buying me the car and he wanted me to pay like 40% of the total cost. I was like hell no, so I convinced my dad to have me only pay half the down payment and a bit of the monthly payment. Damn I`m good. Already busy with my classes even though it`s only been a day. I have a whole novel to read by Monday and I need to review the first chapter for my Political Science class. I better get on it now. Goodbye! | | |
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